I am reading it and feeling like it existed here all this time for me to read it now hhhh

Recently I am learning to 'drive the machine'. So many things are going on... I feel like I am finally activated, can see all the buttons and learn how to navigate this thing I am living in. And it reflects itself on so many things, like some crazy mirror: I also learn to drive a car now, play piano (also very metaphoric), study harmony and how to operate all kinds of gear relevant to music, and I just feel totally in my place, with the research I am engaged in now (expansion of a previously restrained system in an incompressible medium... what a metaphor!) and writing and recording music, which makes me explore every little part of my being and express it through sounds, through music, through voice, both darkness and the light. And I can see how perfect and balanced they are.

Life is totally exciting and amazing. I love it! I love this whole experience, including the pain and discomfort of human body.

But with all these, some issues get enhanced. One of them is my relationship with humans.

I thought in past that as I will open, grow and evolve, it will bring me closer to them. I was always looking for this bridge, for some way to connect, communicate... To my disappointment (which I deserve), as I evolve, I feel more and more distant from them, and, funnily, while recognizing how similar we are. How I have everything they have. Everything I see in them - I have it all.

So how come it doesn't make me more compassionate, more connected? How come that my realization of my own dark nature and theirs doesn't make me feel more connected, more understanding?

I often feel like I see people stripped. I see the mechanisms, I see the automatic loops at work, and I just don't even try to be polite or nice or anything. I just put it out into space. I sometimes feel like I have become mmmm 'evil' in my total lack of interest. So predictable, so empty. I often find myself turn around and leave without saying anything, leaving people with mouth open.

And I am looking at it, and work hard to see if this is right. What is going on?

It feels like I am spread to two extremes: one is searching for this diplomatic frequency, looking to connect, and the other is turning its back on them, on everything, feeling like just leaving them to keep playing their silly games (including war) and eating each other. I feel fed up and done with this specie. I feel don't belong, I feel we speak different languages, but at the same time I feel we're so alike.

And then there is sadness and some idiotic idea that maybe things might be different, maybe a miracle could happen and everything would change.

I am holding all these pieces, and waiting for the resolution. What will arise out of all this mess?

Often I see where things go. Not this time. I just don't know what this exploration will lead me to.

But one thing I am observing consistently: looks like humans don't understand 'good'... just like animals. Part of the learning process is suffering and pain, confusion and great discomfort, which they experience both when new, unfamiliar boundaries are introduced, or, when old boundaries, rules, expectations or perceptions are broken.

And I find myself, over the last two years, gaining strength to watch myself causing them suffering and pain, and being strong enough and patient enough, to allow it to happen, and then watch them unravel out of this discomfort and pain.

And one of the spikes are that I might be still unhappy with this effect I am having on people, and, maybe, this is why I prefer to hide from them rather than face and connect to them.

Maybe, it is my weakness, fear and a great sense of discomfort I am experiencing when stirring all these rotten pots, including myself, that push me to reject and avoid them. Maybe this is what makes me be harsh towards them recently... What's the point to pretend and try to soften and make it look more nicely? They don't get it the nice way. But when you spit in their faces, or hit them with an axe right on their head, oh, they do get it, very fast, on the spot. Suddenly the blindness is over, smart-ass debates are over. They just stand there, eyes open, shocked, and innocent again, at least for some moments.

So I don't know. I really don't know what and how I am meant to be, diplomatic, or cruel... But I am ready to accept both, even if not feeling so happy about it.