hi, thought id share where im at, incase its any help to anyone, including me!!

this period has been pretty intense for me, however i have been quite busy and i didnt really get to sit alone very much except for the times where floods of tears or energy buzzed up through me and then i had no choice but to go sit on the earth and let it happen.

off-and-on, im aware of this baseball shaped thing in my stomach that wants to rise up through me, ive experienced this before, im told its karma. In the past ive experience these balls move up through my body and they come with a compulsion to vomit, pass out or die and I find it quite hard to stay conscious - as in, i feint or get very close to feinting and then resist. In the past, it took a max of an hour or two for these balls to pass through, sometimes only 15 mins.

But this time its been days, and im concerned about this. Its so intense, there is this incredible roaring feeling that accompanies it, for some reason i feel that passing out isnt a good thing, like maybe i need to be conscious through it. The balls have got stuck in my head sometimes, and for some reason i feel like thats not whats supposed to happen, like they need full evacuation or something.... also i dont have anyone with me, so passing out when your on your own seems pretty unwise.

so im having a bit of a freak out about whether im procrastinating with processing this or whether im just letting things happen in smaller more managable sessions.. do other people have the karma stuck in their awareness on-and-off for days?

a second thing thats confusing me is

i sat down under a tree the other day and got hit by floods of tears and an overwhelming desire to have a baby (a first for me), then, either the next day or the one after- on 22 december around 10 am i was washed through with this feeling of being completely in love and in complete acceptance with my partners humanness (usually im just frustrated or offended by it), and i could feel this incredible christ energy flow through me and we kissed him, it was like the perfect union of christ and human, i felt so balanced and right. to stay surfing the wave of christ energy the next move would be to express the love physically, and this felt so pure!! - but my mind kicked in " are you crazy? your not even sure you want to be with your partner and you want to get pregnant, your too unstable... are you sure your not just lost in the moment " and i fell off the wave of christ energy i was surfing, and my partner went out. a few days later i got my period - which came with sadness - like it wasnt used for its purpose or something. i feel some sense of remorse now, like ive missed a really special moment ill never get back and i dont understand the lesson, whether it was literal or symbolic.

any feedback or insight would be most appreciated!