Hi Open, I wasn't going to respond to this, but here I am. As I look back into this life here, things seem to be more clear to me. How my life interacted with others has been for the most part what I could do or would do for other, even knowing what the consequences may be was how I fit into the relationships. Like a saying that comes to mind " Ask Mikey, he will do anything". The more I sit with this the more I realized how much of a lone wolf I was. With a feeling to lead the pack just to feel part of it. when there was no need for me, I would be left aside until the next time. I was a Bad Ass with compassion. I guess this aloud me to fit into 2 groups, the tough guys and the shy guys, and I was good at both. A bully of bullies. The ability to be fearless at the same time, the shield to help the innocent. It sounds like I'm trying to toot my own horn but this is not the case here it is just how I see it.

You know for the most part when looking at how I expressed myself in the past was looked at as having attitude and said that I just wanted attention from my elders, siblings and peers. Now I see how wrong their were. I am ok with how people see or feel about me now and understand that this is their truth.

I have had 2 long term relationships. One that I tried to control. This is the one that my kids are from. That lasted from 1979 to 1988 with a lot of shipwrecks along the way. I stayed near with the feeling of loneliness, wanting the relationship to magically repair it self. After 6 years I gave up and moved away.

The second relationship all I wanted to do was what she wanted. That lasted 20 years with a lot of changing in myself. I feel that this was all for the right reasons. Throughout my life I've always sensed the things I do had a feeling of rightness.

I thought I knew what love is but the definition keeps changing. I guess I mean it keeps growing like the feeling of rightness.

My relationships now are ones of truth and understanding. I'm not going to say that I'm not lonely sometimes for companionship. Not sure if this is a human trait or will it transcend with me when the time comes?

Much Love

Charlie