Thanks Open, great podcast as usual and personally timely and on point. I'd got caught up in some habitual negativity from a seeming harassment after something got left in the laundry room. No way to be sure but it's how I reacted. Which was a good thing seeing as how I needed to have my old crap stirred up again in order to see it and ultimately transmute some more of it. I dwelled in the pain of it. I had to face why do I take these things so hard? Why am I so ready to own other people's ugliness and believe I'm deserving of ill treatment? I still carry a ton of guilt and so believe I subconsciously "ask for it". But I saw how I co-create certain people's reactions to me. I mean, how would I feel if someone was always making me feel like they didn't want me around or subtle cues that I'm abhorrent in some way? I blame others for their behaviour, not accepting their dark side and ignoring the underlying causes, which were certainly not their fault. I willfully forget seeing that they are fundamentally hurt and scared and just trying to find some semblance of control and acceptance in the only way they know how. They may not always go about it in an aligned way especially under the influence of drugs, etoh and trauma, but that's just where I need to be to learn to rest in my SGOB so I can be fully present and hold space or set boundaries, or both. Instead I've been reacting from that old defensive superiority :"how dare you treat me like that?" And then shut down into that nasty place of being persecuted. I do feel some karma in that so it's good it all came up so I can dig deeper. Maybe I feel like I'll be burned a tthe stake because I was unable to get past my own ego.

Imagine if I stayed calm and open enough to see what was really going on and act accordingly in order to save myself a week of rolling around in the mud and crap of my own fear and resentment, projecting my own pain and old traumas. Who does that serve? Or doesnt it just keep me, and them, stuck in the old ugly shit? Wouldn't it be a nice change if they had someone who didn't blame them for their behaviour? Wouldn't it be amazing if I could get over my fear of taking the consequence of holding my boundaries kindly. "I don't hate you, I'm just not tolerating being treated that way." and be ok no matter how they receive it. Take myself out of the drama. What an amazing new way of being that would be! That's where I need that Dragon energy, so I can learn how to be that without running away, without dismissing the person or the experience.

But through the whole thing I was seeing something new. I was still able to see/feel the light, even though I was in the dark. The sky still spoke to me even in my misery. I'd just finished the book 'Adrift' by Steven Callahan, a true story about his 76 days lost at sea in an emergency float, and he talks about this very thing. In the midst of his pain and starvation and despair, he still managed to see the immense beauty of the stars at night and said "it's like looking at heaven from a seat in hell." Somehow through the anxiety and resentment I still managed to have an episode of clairaudience, a premonition of the fire alarm going off, and that my unseen bus was approaching. I also 'saw' (and 'smelled') some negative energy rising up in my core. It was this black fog that I could smell internally, not with my physical sense but an inner one, that smelled of something that had was rotten and burned. What have I got in there?!? Definitely going to need purifying, but for the first time I actually saw it. The connection is getting deeper despite these 'falls'. The work is paying off. I could be more committed, more disciplined, but these feedback loops are helping my resolve. And a frequent reminder that I must learn patience with myself, this will take time. And why hurry it, why avoid the hard stuff when that's where the truth and light are? Why would I want to run from that? Lucky for me I don't get to.

Yesterday I finally couldn't take feeling trapped and owned by my fear so from habit I called ArchAngel Michael to help me clear the negativity. He's been my go-to for quite some time now and sure enough as soon as I pictured the clearing I felt better. But then it occurred to me: How long am I going to be asking him to fight my battles for me? How long am I going to continue looking outside of myself for help? When am I going to start owning and taking responsibility for myself, healing and all?!? There has to come a time when I stand strong on my own two feet and be the warrior I need to be for myself. Every time I take the quick and easy way out, I lose the opportunity to gain true inner strength. To embody dragon. So my first task is to plaster my wall with reminders of working towards embodying that Dragon energy. Im forgetful, so having all the tools right there where I can see them will help so much in taking more responsibility for my own inner work and healing, rather than taking the easy way out.

The Monday after the Resurrection retreat I finally answered the call I heard on Saturday to get to the water. I went to one of my favorite spots behind the arts center here in Kingston which is a lovely, uncrowded spot facing south across lake Ontario. It was an utterly magical day and I felt as though I was on another level, connecting with Sol especially. The capper was the military jet that flew in low from the west and roared right past us. It delighted me immensely and fired me right up! I don't think it's hard to see the message in that. Time to fly sister!!!✈️🐉🙏barb