Hi Open.

I wanted to ask about the collective bubble and the helping 'God' idea.

For a couple of years I've been in 12 step spiritual program for ACA (adult children of alcoholics, which includes grown children from all kinds of dysfunctional families). I grew up in a very problematic environment, with abuse, violence, with an alcoholic step father, and so on, so I fitted the scenario/story.

It is a very effective program, where we worked to identify the inner identities (inner child, inner teenager and inner critic) and work with them, by growing an additional temporary identity called 'loving parent'. The idea is to progressively move to a place where we stop looking for love and validation on the outside and begin to look and expect for this on the inside, from our own loving parent. Over time it is supposed to heal the identities and help integrate them. In my experience it is very helpful. Healed identities are much easier to release than those traumatised and highly active in their dysfucntional expressions.

There were two other aspects that I found helpful, but a bit problematic and these two I'd like to hear your opinion about:

1) Another aspect in any 12-step program is surrendering control and handing it to a Higher Power, "more powerful than us". So there is a rightness in it, because surrendering control, effort, tightness and arrogance are indeed powerful spiritual tools. On the other hand, this Higher Power can be interpreted as the Source, or the power within us, but more often it is seen as some God outside of us and separated from us. So now I am a bit confused. Because asking for help from the universe and asking for help from God have a subtle difference in how it feels. When I turn to God, I feel more protected, less alone and as if surrounded by some soft energy. I am not sure if it is benevolent or not. But I find it much easier to surrender into this softness. Recently there is fear that I am surrendering into something malevolent, maybe Ra energy or something like that. How can I know if 'God' is something internal and benevolent I connect to or something external and disempowering?

2) The second problem I have with the program is that they heavily rely on the collective support - they build a lot on sharing personal experiences, supporting each other, calling each other right before relapsing into old destructive behaviours and patterns and so on. So there is rightness in it, because this mutual help and support works not only in ACA, but also other programs, such as NA (narcotics anonymous), etc and is a building block of the program. Plus, on the path I also find it of great help to connect with other people on their path who share their experiences. On the other hand, it seems like a collective bubble is created. It serves the purpose, but it takes the sovereignty away. For example, I was told that if I don't share with others, I won't progress. I felt great confusion, as I felt my soul rising and I felt experimenting to prove I can do it on my own, but then being cautious of spiritual arrogance as I know I fell so many times and maybe I am missing something important to learn from these people, which is how to be a part of community and get the necessary support. So there is exploration about this seeming conflict between being sovereign and self-sufficient and being a part of supportive community.

In general, these programs are meant to be for life. The idea is that the dysfunction (just like alcoholism or other addictions) is a progressive disease that if not treated only gets worse, and the way to stay 'sober' is to stay connected to the group, keep working the steps, stay within the program and live in the now. "Only today" is a way of living - today I stay sober (I don't drink, don't over eat, don't use drugs, don't fall into programmed behaviours and so on). In a way it reminds of the commitment to the soul and the path - we work to commit every day and do whatever it takes, such that there is a reflection of rightness, and on the other hand there is this sense of dependence on the group and steps to stay clear. I feel that there is an option to commit to something bigger, to the soul, to the sense of rightness, and then the addiction falls away on its own and doesn't come back if one stays committed and progressing on the path.

The problem is that in my view and experience it is rare to move on the path smoothly without falling off the track. In Kabbalah they write "don't trust yourself till the end of your days" - meaning that one can always lose track and fall off the path and make mistakes. These falls bring back the density, the destructiv behaviours and the addictions as well. So without this group consciousness it IS hard to stay 'sober'. I wonder if also staying on the path has to do with being connected to people who are also on the path, providing a clearer mirror, and helping the extraction from the simulation and how to avoid/prevent this becoming a dependence? Because it seems almost impossible to make it alone, but then depending on other people is also a problem.

Even staying vegan requires connecting to people and information that support it, otherwise there is a risk of being sucked back by naysayers and loyal meat eaters. It seems to me that there needs to be an internal balance - who we are influenced by, where we get our support and reflections from, but then constantly working to be alone and free, and relying on ONE source - our own soul?

What are your reflections about it?

Thank you,

Yulia