Hi Open,

Thanks for another wonderful exchange. As always it was highly informative, very helpful and uplifting. I felt much lighter and clearer and the ongoing pain in my abdomen (solar plexus) was gone. I was tired through the whole thing being up earlier than usual so felt to take a quick nap right after. I dreamed my beloved dearly departed cat Possum was outside in the snow, inviting me to come out and play. When I did he led me along some trails to the top of a very steep natural ice slide that went deep into the earth. I immediately balked; " no way, I'll fetch up against something and get crushed". And then I was awoken.

But I think that's the point, to smash up against some truth about myself I haven't yet faced, so as to to break free through and get some more flow going. I have been facing more and more but see from this dream in still resisting going all in. It's partly from my current living situation, where I just don't feel the security and freedom to fully let go and let myself crack. But for sure it's also fear of seeing the truth of my self. I'm reminding myself that anything I've ever done or happened to me in this lifetime or others was from unconsciousness and conditioning, and that it's all soul experience. I'm learning to give myself grace when the opportunity comes for me to take that steep, deep slide down into myself.

This article really hits home with me, especially the part you about not being comfortable enough to stand in aloneness and anchored sense of trust in oneself, which I long for dearly. I remember since I was a teenager how I would fantasize about having the courage and confidence to strike out on my own, away from the dysfunction of my family, and just roam the world, exploring and experiencing. So I was longing to embody Sigma long before I even knew the term. Unfortunately I've been far too led by fear and reliant on the Ra dynamic and I've let it inform my life till now.

One of the things that came up at the exchange was the fear of freedom. I still struggle with the idea of uncertainty and especially unfamiliarity. Whenever I'm outside my comfort zone, it's almost like I'm facing my death. The strangeness is unbearable sometimes and I just want to run back to my shell. I have been feeling this way since I was a young child, no doubt from some traumatic event.

Until now I always drifted to the familiar dysfunctional dynamics of my family life rather than face that intense feeling of strangeness and unfamiliarity, going through the same old stuff over and over again because it's less scary and less deeply unco fortable than the the strang ness. But I'm finally getting tired of the same old defeated rut. This is not how I want to live anymore. I see how my typ cal behaviour perpetuates it. I will never know freedom and embodiment of the Sigma energy when I'm always mothering and craving being mothered. Nor will I find it still attached to needing support and upliftment from a father figure. Im starting to feel so fed up with the dysfunction that I'm starting to find the courage to face that fear of unfamiliarity. If I'm connected and trusting myself, the unfamiliar wouldn't be so imposing, maybe even become an adventure. And being connected to myself would be like having my home with me wherever I go. But you said in terms of twin flames something along the lines of its hard when you don't have that feedback from a relativistic experience and that felt very true. I don't remember the antidote to that but I imagine it's simply letting go of the need for it.

At least now I can see these things much clearer. So even though I feel stunted in some ways here, there is still a lot of opportunity to face those family dragons and start slaying. LOTS of fear, but the empowerment and confidence I would gain is becoming the worthwhile prize I can no longer deny myself. And then I'm sure a path will open. I'm starting to believe. So reminding myself when I resist and want to avoid that I chose this ('this is what you asked for, heavy is the crown') and my liberation is on the other side of this dark, scary forest.

Thank you again, your guidance, support and care are so so appreciated! Btw, I've been having a very tickly throat the last week but I'm not sick? I must be tuning in! Mend well and all the best, Barb🙏💙🌌