Hi Open,

Without a doubt I've been impacted. I've been stuck in my old negative behaviours and this time it has shaken my world to the point I can't ignore. It is demanding change and I'm finally scared enough to listen. I've been bypassing my work thinking intentions for growth would be enough to override my negative behaviours. That I could put off until I'm somewhere I can focus, not realizing was exactly where I needed to be to do the work. Right there and then.Well I've had my ass thoroughly whipped and I can that today, synchronistically, I have finally learned the lesson. If I don't want negative things in my life I can't be negative. Period. Blaming others and dismissing their perspectives have dishonoured them and myself. It is time I crack this rigid, unbending negative attitude and learn true acceptance, understanding and compassion. Otherwise how will I ever be able to give it to myself? I can no longer make snap assumptions and judgements of others, or have expectations or demands on them. I will not be unfair anymore. I was moved by the scene in The Shack where he went to visit the woman in the cave to learn about judgement. I was moved but didn't make the connection to myself or really see how I was stuck in my own habits of judgement. I vow to no longer fall into that habit again, or at least to change it if I do. Looking back I've seen the hell I've put myself through, but now I feel I'm on the other side of it and ready to finally start taking my evolution seriously. It was a hard road and will be for some time. But I'm on the right road now and vow not to stray again.

And I am so deeply grateful for the help I've been getting. From my limited consciousness, I have been experiencing help in getting to my 3rd eye. Recently I lay down for some rest and the density parted and I was able to see the full indigo mandala and sacred geometry of it. Another time I believe I was seeing the void beyond it and this time I not only wasn't afraid, I was thrilled! Such clarity and purity and peace. And it felt more real than what I see with my eyes. I can't wait till I'm able to get there myself. Once I heal enough of my karma, I believe getting to that sacred ground will be a game-changer. I see now though that I have much work to do because when I'm in that acute anxious state I can't get to my SGOB. So I still need lots of help. My heart is soothed and so full of gratitude knowing that I am cared about and that help is always there, even when my anxiety got so bad and I had such negative thoughts and doubt, and had myself believing the worst. There truly are no words for my gratitude.

Meanwhile I have started the process to move and thankfully the intense anxiety I was feeling has abated, and flares of excitement at the adventure of it have been arising. I won't fool myself that I won't fall back into anxiety, but it was great to feel that feeling again after a very difficult week.

I'm not a warrior. I broke to the point of wanting to end it. But somehow I'm still here. I know I'm being helped and supported and can't express enough how thankful I am. I know without a doubt I won't be abandoned. And I weep with gratitude. It will all be worth it! Words just can't do it justice. I for one am looking forward to seeing who I really am.

Wishing everyone well through this, barb