I've been really diving into deep meditations and contemplations...

Sometimes when the world is going crazy and there is just too much information, contradicting views and ideas, when things are changing, I find it is vital at some point to just cut it all out and turn to simplicity, unique intuitions, sensations and just focus on what it is I am invited to do. Usually it is just unravelling something within and keeping doing simple things in life. The rest is vastly unknown.

I've been living in my mind, really abusing my intellect for many years, and what I found is that the mind has the ability to connect the dots that are not really connected in reality (even computers do that, you know, that joke about correlation plots with perfect fitting parameters where it is obvious there can be absolutely no correlation between the data or events, this was mind-blowing to me!). The mind can interpret things subjectively, force complex, incomprehensible, uncontrollable and unpredictable reality into something just simple, logical and digestible enough to have some sense of clarity and understanding. This gives a sense of 'control' over what is going on, an illusion of knowing, and with that a false illusion of choice or freedom. Remember the architect in Matrix? That's exactly it - can't see past his nose.

In my meditations I could feel that this need to KNOW, to understand, to make connections or predictions is just another side or form of fear, fear of the unknown, fear of loss of control, fear of loss of choice or freedom. It is hard to digest that we are a part of a big soup and that we are influenced by this soup. This soup is not only a golden pool of light. It has all kinds of stuff in it. And we're totally part of it, whether we like it or not, and we just can't control it. We just do what we're here to do.

So I felt through all this and at some point there was this wave in me that totally surrendered all of this. I could feel there is a field around me and within me, a pure field of potential, where anything can happen, nothing is forbidden, where there are no cause-and-effect laws that we are used to operate under, and I could see how ridiculous it is to pretend as if I can even understand it. I could see flows in all kinds of directions and it was not my job to make sense of them, but rather feel out where is my flow-line and align with it. This is actually all I can see or try to understand - what's my little flow-line in this moment. And it doesn't have to be grandeur. It could be just washing the floor and be happy with that, because it was right. It is complex enough, enormously complex - that tiny 'truth' of the moment.

Truth is not absolute or perfect thing, just like nothing else in this reality is absolute or perfect. There are degrees of truth, and there are degrees of clarity, which also means, degrees of deception (mostly we usually deceive ourselves and OC just serves us to do that) and degrees of obscurity and confusion. The less I pretend to know, the less I deceive myself and the less OC can confuse me. Holding on to any truth can be a great sign of self-deception and a hidden fear... 'Truth' is an endless field of information - a non-linear combination of threads, flows and pieces, changing and shape-shifting at every moment, that no mind or computer can understand, decipher or put together. It is a space where actually it is best for the logical mind to take a vacation.

In this space that I perceived any "artificial" or mind-driven, conclusive or predictive kind of thinking actually took me away, farther away from reality, from what is really going on, which is happening on so many levels, it is such a complex interplay between the dark and light forces, that flow and interplay together to create something that I can't even grasp.

And the funny thing is that for a couple of days I've been feeling this pull to watch the film Assassin's Creed. But it felt like - action movie? What the hell? But eventually I watched it yesterday, and it was just full of gems, just WOW, raining down messages, realisations and synchronistic images, reflecting my own inner experiences and processes. I just got this full-blown resonance. Amazing.

Relevant quote is the punch line of the creed:

“Where other men blindly follow the truth, Remember, nothing is true.
Where other men are limited by morality or law, Remember, everything is permitted.
We work in the dark to serve the light."

Just totally reflects the deep realisation, the gem I found in my meditations.

The other two important messages of this movie, were: this idea of fusing with the "animus" - which for me symbolised the fusion between what I am being now and my soul, which brings past, present and future into one moment, giving me the only free will I'll ever have - the choice of absolute surrender, synchronisation and moving out of the way, leaving pure experience in the moment. Because being is actually self-explanatory, it doesn't need rationalisation or interpretation. Once I rationalise and interpret - I am just out of sync with the only thing I can choose - just be what I already am. The other message is "leap of faith" - I never saw a better depiction of the concept than in this film.

We strive to figure things out and think it will help us find the way, but to me personally, this kind of strategy only brings disaster and damage both to my life and to people in my life. Taking a leap of faith is harder, in the place of lack of knowing what is going on or will be, but it is the only thing that really can take to the next point - a total surprise. It is not something to do only during tough moments of our lives, when the rug is being pulled from under our feet, and we have no choice but to take this leap of faith. We can actually start choosing it, as a way of being, all the time.

So in the current situation - it is not whether to go out the street to prove myself I am free. Is that how we would define freedom? Maybe it is really best for me to stay home, meditate, detox, contemplate, use it as a retreat, give the field a rest from my noise on the streets... What and to whom do I have to prove? Opposition, resistance, is that the way we bring light? I mean rebellion is cool until a certain point, when it becomes clear that it is only the other side of victimhood and slave consciousness. To me it is actually finding a way to blend, to shine within the given circumstance, knowing that nothing can really take the only real freedom away - to be me, wherever I am, whatever is going on in the world. And even if that is taken away for some reason - it is only because I chose to "disconnect from the animus". I trust that if I follow the stream-line, I don't need to 'oppose' or be against anything. I just do my thing and that's it. It will have its effect on its own accord. And if I don't oppose (or resist), the field will 'oppose' me less either.

I feel there is much higher intelligence at work, that combines both BC and OC, in perfect combination, to create reality for humanity according to their own internal configuration, taking into account many other parameters, most of them unseen in our physical world.

Taking a leap of faith, trusting the field as it is, including all forces, and falling into the sense of rightness, rather than intellectualising what's going on, to me is not only the only thing left, but also the only way to make sure I am honest, and it is mainly knowing that I am never completely honest, as long as I am alive, and this means that OC will reside in my field to reflect that until I am ready to face and be new ME. Not truth, not reality, but just new me. In this way, to me, unknown is a gift, and humility is more honest than any knowing or tactics...

In the end we only always face and deal with ourselves.