Oh my wow. What an amazing weekend! Was it really only two days? It feels so so much longer. Aeons, maybe. But then, I suppose that happens when you travel so far through time and space.

And such an awesome journey it was. Right from the start, when over heavenly lasagna and an out-of-this-world dessert experience (I need those recipes!!!) the group just clicked together. I've never been with such a small group at an Openhand event before and wondered what it would be like. The answer: amazing. A real group experience, everyone connecting with everyone, at the same time, instead of in smaller groups as part of the whole gathering. I feel blessed in that experience.

Such lovely, lovely people, too! Anneke, who was such a steadying presence by my side when I lay there on the floor, not knowing what to do with all the energy. Katrien, the cake sorceress, who quietly but bravely stepped forwards and inwards. Daggi, who braves the language barrier time and time again and came forward so courageously during the work. Desi, with her lovely energy and deep insights, who set the tone right at the start saying: "Guys, we're going to have so much fun!" Sam, with the great questions and calm presence and awesome cooking skills. (Samwise the Brave! Sorry, but the association happened all by itself ). Myc, who came in black and then dressed in white, wise woman with the eyes of a child (I can see where Sam gets the questions from). Jean, my fellow facilitator, who went through his own darkness and came out brighter (hope you’re doing all right!). And Open, of course, who held the space for all of us – thank you.

Thank you to all of you for this wonderful experience.

And, well. I’d had a feeling the weekend would bring something biggish, something changing. Just hadn’t expected it to be my own.

(Besides, after clearing some karma on Saturday, I'd thought that had been it. But maybe clearing that paved the way for what happened on Sunday.)

Yeah, so, I'm still not entirely sure I really remember what happened. I felt present and with it during the event, but looking back it's all a bit muzzy. Like, I remember the space travel meditation. I remember being a bit wary, because I know that one and have a clear memory of how much of a shock hitting density felt like last time. So I'd been holding back a little, until we got to Earth and the density built up again. I remember clinging to the memory of before, rather resisting the experience. "I'm not going to forget this time", I remember thinking. "Not again."

Then I heard Open's voice through the music/turbulences, encouraging us to soften, accept, integrate. I remember the realisation of "Yes, why suffer through this again when I can try something else?" So for the rest of the journey, I worked hard to soften, accept, feel, and integrate, and at the same time gently holding that place inside where I remembered who I am. We approached the build up of the Atlantis cataclysm, and I remember quite clearly how that felt. I'd spent so much time working on softening, expanding, integrating, that it actually did feel almost blissful to me. I was aware of the crazy around, but felt so expanded, so centred, it wasn't able to shake me. I remember seeing the blackened sun, seeing/feeling the pulse, and seeing a giant wave approaching me. I remember knowing I was going to drown - there was no panic, no fear. I remember drowning, but while it felt horrible on the physical plane, I was pretty okay through it.

Then we jumped to the present and things become less clear, memorywise. There was so much energy inside of me by that point. I'd been feeling it, or something like it, basically from the time we reached Earth. It felt similar to something I occasionally experience when processing karma, and since the journey was through our lifetimes, I took it as the same and worked with it as I would with processing karma. I think I lost the thread there for a bit - the next thing I remember clearly is lying on the floor, unable to move, hands and arms tingling, almost burning with the sensation. My legs and feet, too, to a lesser degree. Still thinking it was something karmic, I worked to soften into it, accept it.

Which probably opened the doorway even wider. I remember at one point that I felt something like a wave go through me, from my feet up through my body. It wasn't painful, actually felt warm and gentle, just incredibly strong. That was probably the time when I started lifting off the floor. It was so much, there was nothing but that burning-tingling sensation, mostly in my hands. And I remember that I had no clue whatsoever what to do with it. It wouldn't integrate, wouldn't soften, wouldn't go away. I think Open at one point told me I didn't have to do it right now? But the energy was persistent, there was Knowing that this was going to happen now.

The next thing that is clear in my memory is an easing of the energy. There was the sense of a communication happening, between the energy coming in and the energy that was already there. The sense of a realisation that merging, integration isn't possible. Imagine two dogs that had been barking madly at each other slowly becoming curious about the other and calming down, sniffing each other and cautiously starting to wag their tails. It felt a bit like that. Then there was a resolution - and that is a very clear memory: I saw, inside, the energies winding together, like a helix. One strang was a pale, light green, the other pure light. That felt Right, the two together.

When I feel upwards right now, as I am sitting at my desk in the office, I can kind of still feel them, twining together.

So, yeah, fuses a bit burnt, but so far I'm feeling okay. Tired and a bit like after a fever. With some (a lot of) settling still needing to happen.

I also feel something else building. Something I've heard other Openhanders express as, "The soul wouldn't let me do it, I can't be anything other than authentically me, no matter what." There's an imperative building (a strong word, I know, but that's what it feels like) that is telling me right now it won't accept anything else. It doesn't feel like change so much as it feels like slotting into Rightness. With a sense that as long as I stay attentive, it will do so by itself.

Feels as if I'm heading for some inconvenient falling off the log here.

(The End. Sorry for the constant updating, I hit "save" too early - probably so that I couldn't chicken out of typing and posting this. )