Jumping in - I would say my primary program is distraction - and at times it becomes very much a conscious effort to consume in order to avoid.

Or if I’m getting an authentic impulse to do something and small “I” is afraid of what might happen, it becomes a battle between one voice saying “just give up - you’re not good enough anyway - who do you think you are,” and the other “live a little - just do or incorporate this one thing over time and see what happens.” Then in the meantime small “I” will jump in and start judging for not doing enough fast enough.

I’ve definitely noticed that the longer it takes for me to soften into and make the space to unwind emotional density, the more challenging the processing is when I’m finally able to get into it. (Duh.) Then at that point, I feel the same self judgment for not just facing up earlier and getting it over with. It’s a self fulfilling loop - procrastinating about judging myself for procrastinating.

It has been a very testing, very loud and dense past several days for me, where family was right on top of each other. Today was nuts too, and when I was able to make space to feel directly into the near constant fight or flight vibe surrounding me for the past three days, I felt a combination of fear of ridicule and banishment. I did feel tension in the sacrum, but also the heart, throat, and third eye. My forehead feels like it’s damn near about to burst, my throat is sore, and the left side of my heart feels “collapsed.”

Just writing this I notice that I want to get the heck out of here and just X out of this comment window for fear that my expression will somehow “contaminate” others with my own crap. Like I need to be in quarantine.

Good times. :)

Paul