Hi Open,

Hi everyone tuning in,

A few weeks ago I wrote to someone here on the forum that I no longer feel any fear or discomfort when I post here. Well, I get to eat my own words now, because this is as bare and vulnerable as I’ve ever allowed myself to be in public, and right now I’m literally trembling with fear as I write this...

Open,

Your invitation above and the quote you posted has catalysed a powerful emotional reaction in me. I’ve pretty much always felt I didn’t belong in the 3D world, and I’ve come to terms with that, but this is the very first time I’m suddenly feeling like I don’t belong or am not welcome in a spiritual higher dimensional context. The feeling is so strong, there is actually a part of me that wants to resist ‘tuning in’, because on a deep deep level it doesn’t feel worthy of the acceptance and encouragement of this community. It’s actually fighting teeth and nails right now to have me run and hide and NOT write this.

Fortunately, I know where this stems from. Lately, a lot of emotional memories from the explosion of SIRIUS have been emerging for me and just a couple of days ago, my own ‘failure’ as a soul presented itself to me as a deep realisation that has left me gut-wrenched and faint-hearted for the past three days.

I’m back floating around in space again after the explosion. Nobody is coming to meet me, to pick me up and take me home. Where is my soul family? What happened to them? I’m scared, disillusioned, and utterly lost and alone. I know I’m supposed to find my way back somehow but I don’t know how. It slowly creeps into me and I feel the WEAKNESS. I feel the irresistible need to belong, to be part of a family, to not be alone...

I’m beginning to lose trust. The trust that I will be picked up, that I will be taken care of. That if I only relax and hold out a little longer everything will be alright. I will get to go home. But I’m young. I’m impatient. I’m disappointed and fearful and fragile. And as the fear starts eating its way into my soul, so does the feeling of disconnection from my soul family. I’m beginning to feel abandoned, left on my own to fend for myself. Betrayed and deserted. I’m not ready for that, not yet strong or wise enough...

I’m starting to feel that I have to DO something. Make a decision. A choice. An EFFORT. Take control of the situation. An option is presenting itself. Another way to go. There are others that feel like me. I don’t have to be alone. There is a path where you can take matters into your own hands, that promises self-reliance and control, as well as a foster family to embrace me and take care of me. Surely, that must be better than this...

How easily manipulated I am - betraying my own, for a lesser substitute and a false sense of belonging. But the weakness is that strong it overpowers me again and again, until it seems the only reasonable option.

I have spent lifetimes since trying to compensate for this weakness by proving my strength, my bravery, my steadfastness, commitment and LOYALTY over and over. Feeling inferior to the ones in my family who made it back, who passed the test that I ‘failed’. Feeling guilty for my betrayal, my loss of trust in them and the Universe. I’ve also repeatedly outcast and alienated myself as ‘punishment’ for this flaw.

Having gone through some really intense deep and dark processing in the past few weeks, I have steadily made my way back to this moment - when my overzealous, ‘overheated’ Ray 1 finally crumbled into a young heart’s cowardly capitulation based on immaturity and fear. The Wizard of Oz in all her glory. Funny synchronicity; I actually live in a Yellow Brick house.

I’ve made it back now, and I picked up a lost brother on the way. There is a white door that marks the entrance to my home. I know that inside, on the other side is where they all are. Beautiful, benevolent beings with nothing but big hearts to embrace me with. But still something keeps me from entering. I’m not ready to be accepted with such non-judgmental compassion and love. Not with the shadow I carry. For days now, something has been keeping me from knocking on the door...

Then I read Open’s invitation... and it all came down on me like a ton of yellow bricks...

I’m sitting on my knees outside the white door, my head weighted down by a flood of tears from the sadness that still lingers from the mistakes I made. I could at any moment just open the door and walk in. The door is not locked, and I’ve been through this procedure a dozen times. But walking through the door on my own doesn’t feel like the right thing to do this time. There is something else that is much harder for me to do, a greater challenge, that leaves me a hundred times more vulnerable...

Asking...

for someone on the other side to open the door and invite me in.

How would that make me feel? To finally explode the myth I’ve been living in for so long - that I am alone, unwanted and unworthy...

How would it make me feel to finally have to receive and accept unconditional Love?

What’s the worst thing that could happen?

So here I am, finally, after lifetimes of journeying lost, isolated, overcompensating for my weakness by pushing and shoving my way through, outcasting myself to the side-lines of existence. Denying myself the family that is my divine birth right because I couldn’t accept my own failure.

Yes. Here I am, stripped down to the core, casting all my shadows aside, hands open, bare, simply Asking...

Will you open the door for me?

Will you let me in and tell me that I’m welcome back?

Will you embrace me as one of your own, and tell me that I belong and that you missed me?

Will you... please?

Anastasia