Hi everyone,

This morning I worked to connect up with the toroidal flow with breakthrough breathing followed by chakra attunement. Wasn't feeling very connected so went directly into the Bow to feel into wherever the heck the tension is that needs to be released or realigned. I basically felt numb, but I've been experiencing psoriasis on my face around my nose all year long and intuitively asked to be shown the origination of the distortion associated with it.

As I'm going into the bow it's like I'm immediately being forced downward by a malevolent distorted male force - a false Father pushing my face down and rubbing my nose into my own failure/humiliation. Expressing that pain to bring more of it up to feel into and look at was quite a loud mess (helps to have an empty house). Surrendering and witnessing through it as best I could, after rage and frustration came finally a deep sense of core shame and grieving shared by both father and son. The majority of the tension was in the third eye and I couldn't feel where in the lower three centers it was connecting to, although there is a flicker in my solar plexus as I type this. The feeling had to do with not wielding my own power responsibly or wisely, like I had failed in some other life and further condemned the people I was trying to help. Forgiveness felt like it was in order but wasn't ready to land yet - I've already forgiven myself and my birth father for all kinds of crap and this feels like it goes a lot deeper.

I asked for a key to go further in and got a brief image of a pyramidal eye followed by a primordial darkness/blankness in my mind space majorly intensifying the pressure and pain in my forehead. I'm not sure how to best describe this, but it felt like my mind and third eye became a inverted vortex and I felt everything - my entire sense of being - being sucked right out through my nose, and I was left in a vacuum state shell of a body. Like a robotic lobotomized mummified zombie. All memories and multidimensional connection just totally wiped out. It sucked really, really bad. Perfect unintended pun.

Although I'm still there from the observer point being aware of all this, in addition to some negative entities I can feel but not see are getting confused and concerned. At that point I asked for guidance and strength to help reintegrate and felt a good bit of energy coming through and flickers of reconnection. But everything is still dark for the most part.

Coming out of it, I ask for a song on autoselect and it's "Believe" by The Bravery:

I am hiding from some beast

But the beast was always here

Watching without eyes

Because the beast is just my fear

That I am just nothing

Now it's just what I've become

What am I waiting for?

It's already done.

Contemplating this now while writing connects to the paralyzing fear I've experienced throughout my life that causes me to "blank out" and lose my mind. There's a fear of completely losing myself, of death taking everything but it's already happened and I'm still here, aren't I? I mean, come on, mind! You know this is true; what more do you want?

This particular stage of breakthrough is usually where I get stuck looking at my patterns, instead of reintegration and full embodiment of the newly transmuted expression. There is also a real resistance to asking for help, and to fake it til I make it until I've got it all figured out myself. Why? Well, because, F you, Dad!

The entire intent of this was to share and ask for any welcome reflections on how to move forward from here. But maybe what's being invited IS to simply go with it and express.

Reflections still welcome! :)