Hi Open,

At this point I feel it is about absolute trust that is beyond knowing, understanding or even trying to.

I talked about it in the past - in knowing it is easy to create this conditioned kind of trust, but trusting that even if I die in the process it is okay, and that failing is an option if I don't have any idea or structure in my head how things are and how they will be, what will happen to me. There is this humility that really, I don't know. I don't know anything anymore and ready to be surprised any time, in any way. I just have this feeling that I am being changed, that I need to make a sacrifice every time and that there is no way back or any other way.

I am experiencing a kind of blindness, edging on stupidity. As somebody who would completely rely on the mind and intellect in the past, analysing, understanding, making connections and conclusions, building systems, theories, explaining everything, relying on what I know and see and understand... Suddenly it all collapsing. I am watching it and it just feels like totally inorganic to even try to do it, because it "kills" the real thing, the moment and actually shuts the possibilities out, converges it to some limited reality that my mind think about. Like in quantum experiments, it affects the result, and I don't want to. I don't want to affect it anymore. So I leave the big picture be the big picture and just focus on what is happening to me right now.

It's like, in my "breakdown" I lost any consciousness, or understanding, which also brings a big question "is unconscious really unconscious?", because something still was there, something genuine, more genuine than even awareness, observation and all this being conscious, or trying to be conscious. I had this alternative experience, that is all about simplicity of the moment and perception, it didn't have to be coherent with anything at all, just being, taking part in life, without the mind dissecting it, putting filter on it. It is just all simple, when the mind is at rest. There is something in this state, when I don't need to know whether I have anything having my back or not. I feel a connection, but I don't feel I got my back, because actually there is no back.

There was this prognosis that there will be storm here on the previous weekend. Everybody got prepared, were really serious about it, and then there was just a bit of rain and that was it. There were a lot of jokes about it later, but I got my message, internally. The flow is unpredictable. So I let it go. Whatever happens to me or in general, you know. It is okay to not have my back :-) It is easier to free-fall like that.

Love and a big hug,

Lia <3