Hi Rich - wow, yes, I can feel the intensity of your journey right now. I recall it only too well.

I think many are lulled into the idea that Enlightenment is a building-up process, when actually it's the very opposite - the destruction of everything that is in resistance, denial or unconscious. People confuse it because when they get the early stage letting go feelings, they assume it's going to be blissful and then provide all they need. But again, this comes from a desire to protect the ego. Whereas the One is pulling you into the cauldron of breaking the separation down (separation from the flow itself).

I'd say you're in exactly the right place.
It's not about having resources to do this or that.
It's not about completing this project or that.
If you're truly about divine service, then it all needs to come from the divine -
meaning, there is no "it needs to be like this or that".
The self needs to become infinitely malleable, so the flow can crystallise through it.
Fear needs to be broken through and dispensed with.
To truly be of divine service,
You need to become an empty vessel.

It will bring you to your knees time and again until finally you give up.
You've even then gone through the sobbing, until you can't sob anymore. There's a final surrender, "then bring it on".
No fear of death. No fear of life either.
We all come to this when we're ready.
At this point, people either turn into it or pull away.
It's up to you what you feel to do with it now, whether to go there or not.
There will be light on the other side, but no one can tell you what that will look like, how it will manifest.
You're on the precipice. Where do you go now?

Finally, the head and shoulders tightness and viruses suggest a disconnect between the higher infusing flow and the density in the lower self, caused by the way you've been living - lower density behaviourisms. It's kind of like whiplash. And it's a good sign you're getting into it. If you work with it by deep consciousness bodywork (like soul motion), then it will work down all through you like a burning corkscrew effect.

There with you.

Open 🙏