I note my comments posted above from February. It's been a challenging road since then after I stepped up to help realign energies in a community setting. What I've found is that you don't have to be the leader to lead although I already knew that. I didn't want to take on leadership responsibility, but here I am taking it on anyway.

It all feels very karmic. Long, long, ago and far, far away, I'm feeling that I made decisions that caused suffering to others although those decisions felt right at the time. I have definitely carried guilt into this incarnation from past lifetime experiences that stem from the heavy mantle of visible leadership. It felt easier in this lifetime to sit on the sidelines. But here I am, once again, in the thick of it, although on a lesser scale. Feeling tense, anxious, and weary. Overly sensitive to doing the right thing. Feeling the resistance. Wanting to withdraw. But continuing on anyway because it feels right. Part of who I am as a unique spark of the divine is someone who cares deeply and passionately about social injustice and doing something about it.

But I'm also aware that I have a sidecar passenger along for the ride, a hitchhiker, a false identity, an ego identity, an attachment to being a righteous person. I just saw the film, The Zookeeper's Wife, based on the life of Antonina Zabinski and her husband, Dr. Jan Zabinski, during Nazi Germany's occupation of Poland. The Zabinskis worked with the Resistance to save the lives of hundreds from the Warsaw Ghetto. Jan and Antonina were awarded the honour of "The Righteous Among Nations" by Israel for their tremendous courage. I'm always drawn to watching films about Hitler and his genocide of the Jews.

When I was a young child in grade 5, I wrote a short story about being imprisoned in a concentration camp. It felt very real to me. The details flowed from my pen although I knew very little about the holocaust at that time. Past life recollections perhaps that fuel my passion for social justice. I'm definitely drawing situations to me these days that call out to act but also call out to act out from an unidentified place from deep within. To let go of the "righteous" identity. Meanwhile, I continue to meditate daily to help me unwind the incredible amount of tension and anxiety I feel in all of this. I'm so weary. Perhaps one day I will move into "relaxed right action" as Open calls it in his Breakthrough Breathing Meditation. But right now, it feels like a huge weight on my shoulders. And it doesn't feel very relaxed. Letting go as I'm able. Meditating helps big time.

x Cathy