Hi Appolonius,

Yes, I would say my experience is very similar to yours in that for a long time there was an intention to watch as Open pointed out - it started out as an intention to watch. At some point there was a realization that there was very rarely a break in seeing the inner/outer from the observer's place....it became a very natural unforced state of being, yet I was quite detached and didn't immerse in anything that stimulated a reaction in me...it became a cozy comfort zone of watching and predicting and avoiding and managing the inner environment. There was an idea that yes, I will not control the outside, but I will sit way back up in here where I can feel nothing at all. I guess this would be a distortion of the observer with the ego owning and identifying as someone "who can handle anything without getting triggered"...hahah!!
So, it's been a new feeling the last couple years to actually come down into the body and feel it all and I have noticed that I feel the observing through the heart at times rather than the mind...this is clearly not the "seer" that Open speaks of, but just a change - perhaps more attuning to the soul as Open described.

Yes, I want the answers too soon and the experience as well but I keep reminding myself that only the ego wants anything at all and I know this only pushes it away. After some reflection I am seeing that a part of me is wanting to put my stuff out there so that the illusions I am living in can be torn to pieces...I am waiting for it and perhaps even seeking it - wanting to just have someone tell me or cause me to see where I am not authentic. This must be ego too...because all the experiences I am in right NOW are here to do just that...to show me where I am not being authentic. I need to look at this and really feel if I am wanting something before I post again, well actually that would be essential in all moments =)

I really appreciate your perspective Apollonius =) thank you for sharing your experience too.

with love,
Jen