Hi Jetster,

We talk on Facebook a lot and we have a real connection, so I'm comfortable responding in this way to you right now. My heart goes out to you, having had many health crises and physical challenges in my life. Fraud suggests faking it, which I've done plenty of in my lifetime, projecting an image of wonder woman as I was conditioned in my family to do and also in previous lifetimes. I was so disconnected from my emotions and how I truly felt -- vulnerable, overloaded, over-burdened, tired, sad, angry, fearful -- that I didn't even realize I was faking it. In my extensive experience with counselling people with injuries, disabilities, and adverse health conditions, I can say that it is common to feel anger, despair, sadness, depression, and hopelessness when faced with health losses. I applaud that you are not faking it. I applaud your honesty. I applaud that you are brave enough to express how you are feeling. That's your ticket to ride as the Beatles sang, the ticket to journey beyond the emotional blockages and watch them fall away. The only way out is through.

We are so conditioned by society to view our vulnerabilities as weaknesses, so I can relate to how you are judging yourself. Now that I am connecting to how I feel and honouring feeling into and expressing my emotions more and more, I am more fully able to accept that therein lies my path to freedom -- beyond the darkness into the light, like stepping through a doorway. That said, I know it's not easy to fully accept being in fear and anger without judging it and wanting it all to go away. I'm not fully there yet but I am making progress. Gradually I'm becoming okay with sometimes being pissed off, with being tired, with feeling some days that I can't go on, that I've had enough, that I've hit rock bottom. What I'm not doing any longer is denying that I feel this way, and I'm no longer telling myself that I am weak and a failure for feeling this way. I'm sitting with the crap, feeling into it, accepting all my messy emotions and the unconscious conditioning they are revealing to me. Digging into the deeper meaning so I can release the distortions behind my pain. In that sense, my pain and disability are gifts. I might take this statement back on a bad day ha! But that's okay, too. As Trinity said to me not long ago: We get whatever experiences we need to remind ourselves of who we truly are, Absolute Presence in all experiences, identified with none of them.

There are lots of folks in mainstream spirituality who say that anger is bad and that we should focus on the positive instead. I remember years ago standing in a circle with friends pumping our fists and shouting, "I am positive. I am positive." Over and over again. What a bunch of bullshit that was. I wrapped myself up in a bubble of false love and light, failing to realize that how I was truly feeling was always the key to self-realize beyond it. I'm meeting more and more people on spiritual paths who are seeing through this false love and light fakery, who are willing to embrace their darkness to find the light beyond. I'm feeling an energy shift in this regard.

I resonate with Rumi's quote: "Be patient when you sit in the dark. The light is coming." It sounds as though you dodged the bullet of a serious health crisis, so to speak, and that you are now beating yourself up for not being the perfect, enlightened angel in the maelstrom of fear. So how does it feel to be you right now? And does this still serve you? Those are the questions to ask yourself and then feel into whatever you're feeling. I know you know the process. Open mind. Open heart. Open hand. Let go and receive. That's your ticket to ride. It's easy to write about and talk about. Doing it is a whole other matter. I remind myself frequently that there's a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.

Wishing you well, Jetster. I'm in your corner.

Much Love to you,

Catherine