Hi Marye and Open,

I tuned into your conversation and it provoked a thought about the dynamics of the so called “bi-polar disorder”. It occurred to me that the trickiness of this tendency lies in the sense of entrapment in the experienced reality, both on the manic and the depressive side. Breaking through this is really hard and it often seems like there is nothing to be done and it is just a waiting game. But perhaps that is the thing… doing something about it, trying to escape it is actually tightening the distorted reality? Yes, it seems so…

I’m currently flipping towards the depressive stage and have decided to allow it fully this time, for the sake of the experiment. There is a sensation of the mood going down, slight panic at the thought of being locked and incapacitated in the dark reality for several days or weeks. Today, I was allowing all that wanted to come to the surface: the rapidly morphing reality - twisting sense of self and with that bending of the "outside world". It is becoming so distorted, but it’s not fixed yet, so I can remain the observer for now. And there is also something else, a sensation that escaped me before: a feel of a heavy haze that is morphing into a thick blanket that wants to keep me down for a period of time. This same haze blanket is also pushing up in the manic state.

It occurred to me that perhaps the bi-polar tendencies are not just an undesirable condition that needs to be gotten rid of. Maybe it is an opportunity to dig deeper and break free stronger from the deepest imaginable abyss of despair? Is it there to actually facilitate greater awareness? I feel like it is...

This is very interesting and I feel I can remain ok with what is happening at the moment. As I’m holding this space for myself, the feelings of tenderness and compassion are filling my heart. I’ll just continue observing what’s going on gently and steadily without a need for the outcome. I also want to feel into “being incapacitated and locked”. Now that I wrote this, the blanket feels more tangible and perhaps even tangible enough for me to take it off soon. I’m just curious to see what it will do next. Also, I have been off lithium for few years now while trying the “organic” approach.

Has anyone else experienced that?

M.